More of My OCD

So, with the "evidence" of my OCD Hoarding aspect out of the way, it's time to attempt to bring my other OCD aspects to light. For the most part, my OCD is primarily of the obsessive type. That is to say, most of what goes on is happening in my mind, rather than compulsions that others might be able to observe. Since they're not out for all to see, my family (father, step-mother, sister and brother-in-law as well as other relatives possibly) has nothing they can judge by as to whether or not I do have OCD, therefore, they've decided that I do NOT have OCD (and have told my daughter that as well on one of her visits to them in Florida, the same visit where they tried to convince her that she'd be better off living with THEM rather than my husband and me because THEY can afford to buy her whatever she wants, etc). Because none of them are any level of psychiatrist/therapist/etc, I don't even know how they think they're qualified to judge this, but that's for another day to discuss.

For me, the OCD shows itself via obtrusive thoughts of injuring others or myself, accidentally or otherwise, repeated patterns, ie games like tetris or other games where things must be organized by colour and/or combinations in order to score points (this is even if I haven't played such games in a long time), thoughts of having to say certain things or else something bad may happen to someone, ie I MUST tell my daughter and husband I Love Them before they go to work/school/out of the house without me, or I leave them to go somewhere, the need to say/do/write these things just right. I also repeat those things so they're the last thing said. If I don't do those things, I'm afraid something will happen to them and I spend a large chunk of my day worrying about them.

I have a huge fear of "contamination". That is to say, cleaning products CANNOT touch food items in the grocery bags or be near food items while being stored. Food containers cannot touch non-food things, ie, a pitcher used for anything other than drinks (to carry water out to the car to fill the radiator) cannot be used for drinks afterwards as they may have been contaminated by oil, dirt, grease, whatever, even if there's no evidence of this.

I know on a logical, rational level that none of these things hold true, but it doesn't calm the thoughts to the contrary.

I recall that as a child, if I turned around to see something, I had to "unwind" back the way I turned or things didn't feel right til I did. I still have that problem today as well.

I am often afraid I will get sick if I don't wash my hands after coming home from being out anywhere. I have a low resistance as it is so that doesn't help that fear, but I only allow myself to wash my hands once after getting them dirty, ie, getting newsprint on them, touching anything from outdoors, touching something from the floor/ground, eating something that gets on my hands, preparing raw food products (meats mostly) for meals. I also don't allow myself to recheck locks, the stove, lights, electrical objects (like an iron) more than 3 times. I have to remind myself mentally that I've already checked it. Sometimes, however, I have to ask my daughter or husband if I did such and such. Then I don't allow myself to repeatedly ask if they're sure. This doesn't stop it from going through my mind, but it does cut down on the behaviour.

ACK!! I can't stand BEING like this...if it is indeed "being" at all!!! I wish I were "normal"