Retrospection
One of the affects of my disorder is that I chronically look for evidence or proof of my OCD that other's may have observed, had they been more aware of my existence.
I recall clearly, as a child, if I turned around to look at something or to do something, I would have to turn in the opposite direction, to unwind as it were. If I didn't do that, it just didn't feel right. I knew, on some level, that this was weird though. That is my clearest example of my peculiarity at a young age.
Lies I told as a child were to avoid situations which could, potentially, lead to harm to myself. Once, at day camp, my group was on a walk in the woods and there was a log over a deep looking ravine over which the counselor said we were to cross. I said I wouldn't do it and, when pushed for a reason, I lied and said that I had fallen and broken (or hurt, I don't recall my exact excuse) my leg. I wasn't made to cross the log, however, that evening, I was sent to my room as punishment for lying. I suppose in those days (1970s) parent's didn't KNOW to ask their child why they felt the need to lie. I thought (and still think) it was a good reason for lying at the age of roughly 8 years. I don't know if I was a compulsive liar but I do know that I had lots of fears and the lies were to avoid looking foolish or wondering what others thought of me, another possible indicator of my OCD.
There were many superstitions held in my family which, I now wonder if they were indiciative of OCD in my relatives. My father became extremely angry with my brother when he wrote on a calendar, one of the days ahead and it ended up being the day my grandfather died. He WAS ill and I'm sure there were other days on which my brother doodled, yet, in my father's view it seems, this was my brother's fault. Additionally, my grandfather would leave a hat on the back ledge in the car whenever he and my grandmother would travel by plane. The logic being that there was now something to return for. I guess loved ones, their business, their apartment weren't sufficient.
There was lots of "knock on wood" when speaking of something going well and "may they rest in peace" when speaking of the deceased. These are along the lines of magical thinking, if I understand that correctly. I don't know what saying this did for the people in my family or their mind sets, but for me they meant staving away some kind of harm to self and others.
I didn't have many friends nor did I fit in with any group. I always felt like an outsider with my peers, a misfit. I was treated as such by my older sister for most of my life, even once we were both adults, she seemed to go out of her way to point out how I do not fit in, not even with family.
At this point, I can't think of any thing else that shows any remote possibility of my having OCD or even bi-polar depression.
I recall clearly, as a child, if I turned around to look at something or to do something, I would have to turn in the opposite direction, to unwind as it were. If I didn't do that, it just didn't feel right. I knew, on some level, that this was weird though. That is my clearest example of my peculiarity at a young age.
Lies I told as a child were to avoid situations which could, potentially, lead to harm to myself. Once, at day camp, my group was on a walk in the woods and there was a log over a deep looking ravine over which the counselor said we were to cross. I said I wouldn't do it and, when pushed for a reason, I lied and said that I had fallen and broken (or hurt, I don't recall my exact excuse) my leg. I wasn't made to cross the log, however, that evening, I was sent to my room as punishment for lying. I suppose in those days (1970s) parent's didn't KNOW to ask their child why they felt the need to lie. I thought (and still think) it was a good reason for lying at the age of roughly 8 years. I don't know if I was a compulsive liar but I do know that I had lots of fears and the lies were to avoid looking foolish or wondering what others thought of me, another possible indicator of my OCD.
There were many superstitions held in my family which, I now wonder if they were indiciative of OCD in my relatives. My father became extremely angry with my brother when he wrote on a calendar, one of the days ahead and it ended up being the day my grandfather died. He WAS ill and I'm sure there were other days on which my brother doodled, yet, in my father's view it seems, this was my brother's fault. Additionally, my grandfather would leave a hat on the back ledge in the car whenever he and my grandmother would travel by plane. The logic being that there was now something to return for. I guess loved ones, their business, their apartment weren't sufficient.
There was lots of "knock on wood" when speaking of something going well and "may they rest in peace" when speaking of the deceased. These are along the lines of magical thinking, if I understand that correctly. I don't know what saying this did for the people in my family or their mind sets, but for me they meant staving away some kind of harm to self and others.
I didn't have many friends nor did I fit in with any group. I always felt like an outsider with my peers, a misfit. I was treated as such by my older sister for most of my life, even once we were both adults, she seemed to go out of her way to point out how I do not fit in, not even with family.
At this point, I can't think of any thing else that shows any remote possibility of my having OCD or even bi-polar depression.
posted by Xintara | 10/21/2004 07:24:00 AM
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