Dan and Harriet, Time to take responsibility for your actions
WHAT were you thinking? Do you not see how unconscionable it is to expect a 14-15 year old child to step out of HER comfort zone so YOU may remain in YOURS? She simply asked that you allow her parents, the ones she feels she can trust and can rely upon, to be in the room while she discloses parts of her life to you that she worries will cause you to alienate her. She already KNOWS Thom and I will not turn away from her even if we disagree with her or dislike her actions, whereas you've proven time and again that you would do so. She's not blind to how you treat people (namely me) and how conditional your love is. She's watched it happen over the years, without me having to point it out to her.
Your actions are reprehensible. The games you play with her mind are unfathomable, telling her you need to think about whether she can have the 2 people she trusts most in the therapists room, when you know full well that you'd say "No" regardless. She even tried to compromise and keep me out of the room. All you had to agree to was for Thom, whom you have nothing against, other than that he married me, to be in the room. But no, you couldn't bend just a bit.
Perhaps, Dan, your own game that you played on my mother and tried to play on my brother is what troubles you. Perhaps in the back of your mind is the fact that you asked them each to come to your therapy session on the premise that the therapist just wanted to have more background on you. Then you and the therapist turned on her, attacking her and laying blame for your inadequacies and your failings. Perhaps that's what you expect to happen here.
In your megalomania you seem to think it's about YOU. Get over yourselves. This is exclusively about Alaura and her need for support to disclose her personal life to you. You have now lost that privilege to be allowed in. You have defiled the relationship with your need to control, manipulate, keep the upper hand.
Until last night, the decisions have been Alaura's and Alaura's alone. Last night, Thom and I agreed was the last chance for you both to have any control over Alaura via your nagging and reiterating until she gives in just to shut you both up. That's the only reason she's "come around" in the past...to shut you both up, especially Harriet. On and on until the only proof you have of being heard is the giving in to your demands. If it's not your wishes, you have no comprehension how it could be otherwise and you beat it in until the only way to get you to back off is for the child to just agree with you, even though in her heart and mind, she does no such thing. You ask her to lie to you both just so you believe you got your way in the name of achieving what you claim to be "in her best interests".
Thankfully, for Alaura's sake, she only has 3 years left until she's of legal age and needs no guardian of any kind to "hold" her. Then your chronic attempts to undermine the relationship Thom and I have with her will be moot.
Is it possible that I'm culpable for the demise of your hold on Alaura? Perhaps in part, but only because of your inability to move beyond my past mistakes and your belief that you'd make better parents that would Thom and I. You, Dan who was never there for your children while we were growing up and you, Harriet who never raised her own children, having a some part in raising your niece and nephew. Go adopt a child if you want one so badly. There's plenty out there with parents who don't want them. As for Alaura, she's very much loved AND wanted by Thom and me. In your unwillingness to accept me for who I am, whether or not I bend to your will, perhaps you've spread that to Alaura. In that way, I may be culpable, that you can't separate us from each other, therefore, maybe in your mind, the crimes and sins of the mother is upon the child. So by my being an individual and refusing to fit your ideal of what I should be, I am responsible for raising a child who is akin to me. You may only see that as a weakness, but I see it as a strength to have a child who is able to BE an individual and not conform just for the sake of fitting in, just as I have been and individual all my life and never fit in, even with my own family.
As for what's in her best interests, if you truly had her best interests at heart, you'd see she's doing well here. Her bipolar disorder was NOT caused by me, it's biochemical. It was there while she was at Carrole and Nick's but no one recongized it as Alaura didn't feel safe to share her hallucinations with people who thought she was a hypochondriac. She had the desire to harm herself there but again, sensed it wouldn't be safe to share that either. Here, with Thom and me, she KNOWS she's safe to speak up. Here, it's not "I'm big, you're little" "I'm smart, you're dumb" "I'm an adult, you're a child therefore you know nothing and I know it all". For it is here that we don't believe that, rather we believe children have rights, children have a voice, children don't have to pretend to be happy, they can feel anger sometimes, joy other times, whatever they feel is permitted. Mostly, here, we know that adults and children make mistakes and we can forgive and move past because "unconditional love" is more than just a phrase we ought to say. Here, it's truth and reality, things you have shown you know nothing about.
I realize were you to read this, it would fall upon deaf ears, however, at least I've had my say.
Your actions are reprehensible. The games you play with her mind are unfathomable, telling her you need to think about whether she can have the 2 people she trusts most in the therapists room, when you know full well that you'd say "No" regardless. She even tried to compromise and keep me out of the room. All you had to agree to was for Thom, whom you have nothing against, other than that he married me, to be in the room. But no, you couldn't bend just a bit.
Perhaps, Dan, your own game that you played on my mother and tried to play on my brother is what troubles you. Perhaps in the back of your mind is the fact that you asked them each to come to your therapy session on the premise that the therapist just wanted to have more background on you. Then you and the therapist turned on her, attacking her and laying blame for your inadequacies and your failings. Perhaps that's what you expect to happen here.
In your megalomania you seem to think it's about YOU. Get over yourselves. This is exclusively about Alaura and her need for support to disclose her personal life to you. You have now lost that privilege to be allowed in. You have defiled the relationship with your need to control, manipulate, keep the upper hand.
Until last night, the decisions have been Alaura's and Alaura's alone. Last night, Thom and I agreed was the last chance for you both to have any control over Alaura via your nagging and reiterating until she gives in just to shut you both up. That's the only reason she's "come around" in the past...to shut you both up, especially Harriet. On and on until the only proof you have of being heard is the giving in to your demands. If it's not your wishes, you have no comprehension how it could be otherwise and you beat it in until the only way to get you to back off is for the child to just agree with you, even though in her heart and mind, she does no such thing. You ask her to lie to you both just so you believe you got your way in the name of achieving what you claim to be "in her best interests".
Thankfully, for Alaura's sake, she only has 3 years left until she's of legal age and needs no guardian of any kind to "hold" her. Then your chronic attempts to undermine the relationship Thom and I have with her will be moot.
Is it possible that I'm culpable for the demise of your hold on Alaura? Perhaps in part, but only because of your inability to move beyond my past mistakes and your belief that you'd make better parents that would Thom and I. You, Dan who was never there for your children while we were growing up and you, Harriet who never raised her own children, having a some part in raising your niece and nephew. Go adopt a child if you want one so badly. There's plenty out there with parents who don't want them. As for Alaura, she's very much loved AND wanted by Thom and me. In your unwillingness to accept me for who I am, whether or not I bend to your will, perhaps you've spread that to Alaura. In that way, I may be culpable, that you can't separate us from each other, therefore, maybe in your mind, the crimes and sins of the mother is upon the child. So by my being an individual and refusing to fit your ideal of what I should be, I am responsible for raising a child who is akin to me. You may only see that as a weakness, but I see it as a strength to have a child who is able to BE an individual and not conform just for the sake of fitting in, just as I have been and individual all my life and never fit in, even with my own family.
As for what's in her best interests, if you truly had her best interests at heart, you'd see she's doing well here. Her bipolar disorder was NOT caused by me, it's biochemical. It was there while she was at Carrole and Nick's but no one recongized it as Alaura didn't feel safe to share her hallucinations with people who thought she was a hypochondriac. She had the desire to harm herself there but again, sensed it wouldn't be safe to share that either. Here, with Thom and me, she KNOWS she's safe to speak up. Here, it's not "I'm big, you're little" "I'm smart, you're dumb" "I'm an adult, you're a child therefore you know nothing and I know it all". For it is here that we don't believe that, rather we believe children have rights, children have a voice, children don't have to pretend to be happy, they can feel anger sometimes, joy other times, whatever they feel is permitted. Mostly, here, we know that adults and children make mistakes and we can forgive and move past because "unconditional love" is more than just a phrase we ought to say. Here, it's truth and reality, things you have shown you know nothing about.
I realize were you to read this, it would fall upon deaf ears, however, at least I've had my say.
posted by Xintara | 4/19/2005 06:58:00 AM
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