Regrets and Guilt
My father has often said that you should never have regrets. That meaning, in my mind, that you should never do anything you'll regret. It's hard for me to fathom that he's never done anything he regrets, like how he's handled situations involving me or even that he and my mother had me...I don't know though.
As for me, regrets, I've had a few, a few too many that is. I regret all the times I didn't heed that inner voice telling me to do or not to do something. Prime example of this would be the lil voice that told me NOT to tell my daughter's father that I was pregnant with her, not to move in with him, not to involve him, to move back out. Then there's the times the same voice told me not to trust "changes" in my father, not to trust his word, not to believe he would fulfill his promises. How I handled my finances (mismanaged is more apt a descriptor). That I should have returned for my car after the police made me park it in a lot and walk home, in lieu of being arrested for driving without valid registration and insurance, for the umpteenth time. Largely, I regret that I listened to others rather than that lil voice that told me my daughter needed help emotionally and academically.
What do these have to do with my OCD or depression? Rumination.
These are topics my mind choses to keep alive, subjects that fan the fires of my ire, items that fuel my regrets of what "shoulda been" or what I "shoulda done". There have been points in my life, when my OCD was more under control perhaps, that I thought I'd let go of these things. These thoughts keep me awake many a night. Arguements in my head with people, meeting with the people I owe money to, after I win the lottery and have said monies for them and a deep apology for messing up their lives as mine careened out of control. Handing more than enough money to my sister/brother-in-law for the 2.5 years my daughter lived with them (even though the $1000+ they claimed to have spent on her for clothes also included what they spent on their twin daughters and accounted for the better part of the money), brother (for his perceived financing my daughter and I, even though I paid back all funds...at least I think I did, well I know I paid back most, if not all), money to my mother (read on brother), money to my father and step-mother for all the money help they lent me in times of extreme need, like when my car was needing repair or my father promised to give money for co-pay for therapy (but I had to ask him each time so I gave up asking) and when he paid the dental bill because my procrastination caused me to never send in the paperwork and the dentist was a family friend and many other times. Money to pay back all the money I owe to individuals and corperations alike and then some, to have a house to make a home for my family of 3.
Even though he assures me he's never been happier, I can't help but feel guilty to my wonderful and patient husband. I feel like he's trapped in a difficult marriage and because he's SOOOO optimistic, he just doesn't realize it yet. Perhaps he's too smitten with me to see the truth. Maybe he'll never see it. My fear is that he will, ultimately and he'll leave me. I love him too much to stop him if he does. He so deserves an easier life as I'm certainly NOT the prize he seems to think I am.
My guilt is tremendous concerning my daughter, especially now that it seems she's showing signs of bipolar and possibly OCD. I can't help the genetics she inherited, but still, I feel responsible somehow, like maybe just her being with me caused all of it to occur in her or promoted the tendency to become reality. I hate watching her suffer so but I also want her in our lives. She's such a blessing most of the time and she can't help much of the rest of the time.
There are many days when I think they'd both be better off without me and that my family would finally be satisfied, were I gone. I feel like they consider me the bane of their existance. Truth be told, I feel they are the bane of MY existance as well. Life with me is not easy, rather it is more than challenging. I think I create a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" ambiance. NOT my goal, but there nevertheless. I try to appreciate efforts more, but oftimes I fall far from the mark.
So often, I feel I have tainted the lives of others, especially my loved ones, my daughter and my husband. I feel I don't deserve whatever good I've got or had. I feel I ought to be punished somehow. Other times I feel like I'm being punished by G-D for these things and other things I'm not aware of. Yet other times, I feel that I'm not such a bad person. *shrug* Right now, however, I'm feeling guilty as sin. I wonder if there's some truth to all the horrible things my family and hubby's and brother father say about me.
As for me, regrets, I've had a few, a few too many that is. I regret all the times I didn't heed that inner voice telling me to do or not to do something. Prime example of this would be the lil voice that told me NOT to tell my daughter's father that I was pregnant with her, not to move in with him, not to involve him, to move back out. Then there's the times the same voice told me not to trust "changes" in my father, not to trust his word, not to believe he would fulfill his promises. How I handled my finances (mismanaged is more apt a descriptor). That I should have returned for my car after the police made me park it in a lot and walk home, in lieu of being arrested for driving without valid registration and insurance, for the umpteenth time. Largely, I regret that I listened to others rather than that lil voice that told me my daughter needed help emotionally and academically.
What do these have to do with my OCD or depression? Rumination.
These are topics my mind choses to keep alive, subjects that fan the fires of my ire, items that fuel my regrets of what "shoulda been" or what I "shoulda done". There have been points in my life, when my OCD was more under control perhaps, that I thought I'd let go of these things. These thoughts keep me awake many a night. Arguements in my head with people, meeting with the people I owe money to, after I win the lottery and have said monies for them and a deep apology for messing up their lives as mine careened out of control. Handing more than enough money to my sister/brother-in-law for the 2.5 years my daughter lived with them (even though the $1000+ they claimed to have spent on her for clothes also included what they spent on their twin daughters and accounted for the better part of the money), brother (for his perceived financing my daughter and I, even though I paid back all funds...at least I think I did, well I know I paid back most, if not all), money to my mother (read on brother), money to my father and step-mother for all the money help they lent me in times of extreme need, like when my car was needing repair or my father promised to give money for co-pay for therapy (but I had to ask him each time so I gave up asking) and when he paid the dental bill because my procrastination caused me to never send in the paperwork and the dentist was a family friend and many other times. Money to pay back all the money I owe to individuals and corperations alike and then some, to have a house to make a home for my family of 3.
Even though he assures me he's never been happier, I can't help but feel guilty to my wonderful and patient husband. I feel like he's trapped in a difficult marriage and because he's SOOOO optimistic, he just doesn't realize it yet. Perhaps he's too smitten with me to see the truth. Maybe he'll never see it. My fear is that he will, ultimately and he'll leave me. I love him too much to stop him if he does. He so deserves an easier life as I'm certainly NOT the prize he seems to think I am.
My guilt is tremendous concerning my daughter, especially now that it seems she's showing signs of bipolar and possibly OCD. I can't help the genetics she inherited, but still, I feel responsible somehow, like maybe just her being with me caused all of it to occur in her or promoted the tendency to become reality. I hate watching her suffer so but I also want her in our lives. She's such a blessing most of the time and she can't help much of the rest of the time.
There are many days when I think they'd both be better off without me and that my family would finally be satisfied, were I gone. I feel like they consider me the bane of their existance. Truth be told, I feel they are the bane of MY existance as well. Life with me is not easy, rather it is more than challenging. I think I create a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" ambiance. NOT my goal, but there nevertheless. I try to appreciate efforts more, but oftimes I fall far from the mark.
So often, I feel I have tainted the lives of others, especially my loved ones, my daughter and my husband. I feel I don't deserve whatever good I've got or had. I feel I ought to be punished somehow. Other times I feel like I'm being punished by G-D for these things and other things I'm not aware of. Yet other times, I feel that I'm not such a bad person. *shrug* Right now, however, I'm feeling guilty as sin. I wonder if there's some truth to all the horrible things my family and hubby's and brother father say about me.
posted by Xintara | 10/25/2004 08:01:00 AM
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